i don't know where you are now-

you're always so far away.

when i look into your eyes,

you just look through me.

i don’t know what you’re looking for,

but i know

it’s not me.

when i talk to you,

you nod but i know you’re not listening,

too busy lost in your mind.

i don’t know

how to get through to you

anymore.

i hope you’re happy,

wherever

you are.

"you changed yourself, and that changed me"

you didn't realize it, but our souls were intertwined. when you hurt, some part inside of me felt that same pain; even more so than you did, because it hurt me to see you hurt. and when you were smiling, my heart filled with warmth and happiness, because I knew how much you deserved that moment of serenity and joy. but when you changed, and disappeared suddenly, all I felt was nothingness because when you left, you took a part of me with you.

you were so toxic.

you took everything good that happened to me and breathed your poison all over it, because you needed some kind of evidence that you were a dominant figure in my life.

but for whatever reason, i loved you anyways.

and I know you loved me back, in your own twisted way.

that was such a dangerous position for me to be in, because

i was never sure if you were going to kiss me or kill me;

your mood dictated it all.

regardless- i would've given everything up for you, because i saw light inside of you,

buried somewhere underneath all the rubble of hurt and anger.

and i was so determined to unearth that light, that one little piece of proof of whatever ounce of humanity remained in your soul.

darling, i should've started running from the first day.

but you know what they say:

"sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for is standing behind the trigger."

you can say a lot of things about me, but you can't say that I didn't love you with everything that I had. and goddamn, I let you get away with so much because of that. I let you tell me that you loved me, while whispering that same lie to countless other girls that fell for your beautiful words and amazing smile. and here's the thing- I think that sometimes, you really did mean it. there were periods of time, like flashes of lightning, wherein your barriers came down and you openly possessed emotions, just like the rest of us. I know I meant something to you, then. but I could never be sure, when you and I both knew that a better replacement was just around the corner. and when she did arrive, you were so quick to forget about me— forget all the nights I stayed up with you until our words were nonsensical and we couldn't open our eyes anymore. I was in your life. I was here. and you hurt me— I have the lightning indentation just above my ribcage to prove it.

it's been a few weeks since you last texted.

normally i would've made some attempt to contact you, but i've decided to stop pouring love and energy and effort into someone who cannot return any of the same things to me.

but i wish i could call you up, talk about absolutely nothing and everything at 2 am and wake up the next morning remembering very little of the actual conversation but very much of the warmth in my chest when you said you loved me, the fourth space we created, the blanket of safety that your voice surrounded me with.

wish i could run into your arms, wish you'd hold me so tightly that my broken pieces would start to fit into each other again.

wish we could go on adventures again, searching for coffee and bookstores and everything in between.

wish you would hold my hand again-

that's always been my favorite form of affection, you know, but another thing i've decided recently is that i don't like intertwining my fingers with anyone's but yours.

wish we could go back to when we first met, tell the past versions of ourselves exactly where we went wrong, so all of this could've been prevented.

mostly, i just wish you were here.

and i promised myself that i'd stop writing about you,

because you no longer deserved it.

---

but here i am, a month later, and i still compare

every new person i meet to you;

i still find pieces of you in song lyrics;

i still check my messages hoping that maybe you've changed

(either your mind, or your personality, or both).

here i am, a month later, still writing about you, love.

and i wish i wasn't.

i wish hearing the sound of your name

didn’t send a swarm of butterflies fluttering through my stomach.

i wish seeing pictures of you smiling with other people,

happy (happier) without me,

didn’t send pangs through my heart and chest.

i wish i could convince myself that you're not worth it anymore.

---

we'll see how i'm doing next month.

you were my entire world,

and while i accept blame and responsibility

for making a universe out of a mere mortal,

that doesn’t change the fact that

the sky suddenly seemed empty

when you left.

the stars shone a bit dimmer,

the light in my eyes went out.

eventually other people came along.

they carried torches and used their flames

to rekindle the ones i had lost.

the stars started glowing again.

i learned how to remove you.

dug you out from under my skin,

erased you from my brain.

you became mere mortal, once more.

and i was okay.

and then you came along again,

telling me you were sorry.

i don’t want an “i’m sorry”

i want you to tell me you miss me

i want you to tell me there’s a hole shaped like me

somewhere in your heart,

and you want me to fill it again.

i want you to tell me i changed you,

that you also can’t listen to

the songs that we used to sing to each other,

have memorized by heart,

because that would mean having to acknowledge me,

remember what we had,

and that would hurt too much.

i want you to ask if you cross my mind,

because i cross yours all the time, and it’s as if

a piece of me has been etched into your brain and ears and eyes,

so that no matter what,

there are certain things that you can’t

watch or read or hear

without thinking of me.

tell me you love me.

because no matter how far away i try to throw you,

you always seem to find your way back to me,

back under my skin,

back into my heart.

i haven’t stopped loving you.

i don’t know how to.

but i want to.

so save your i’m sorry’s,

save your nostalgia and frustration and sadness

for the next girl whose heart you break.

there’s no room for it here.